If I tried to blog about what’s on my mind at this very moment I don’t think the words would even make sense to me. I am like a cat on a hot tin roof. Truth I have had  a few rum and cokes. I don’t think I’ve had enough though!

I am in fucktacular pain right now. Ya “fucktacular” I made a word. It’s as if someone is cutting into me with glass. It’s the main reason I can’t write lately. I haven’t been writing like I used to because a lot of the time this pain is consuming me.  My horded supply of pain killers is getting smaller and smaller. I hate to take this shit because I tell myself that I don’t want to run out because “it could be worse tomorrow”. So I find myself just accepting the suffering.

I got a message from a friend a week or so ago. Maybe longer. It said the accepted age group for dating is half your age plus seven. Anything else is considered too young. Who decided this. Is this really a rule? Where does this stuff even come from. Do a bunch of women sit in an office meeting somewhere and decide it for us? Are there some sort of polls that I should be taking? I’m curious to hear if any of you had even heard of such a rule or if there are other rules I should know about. That makes my age bracket for dating between 26-62. Yea that doesn’t sound right… does it? I’m so confused. I guess we are going to be with the people we fall for regardless of how old or young they are right? As long as it’s all legal.

I’ve got a lot on my mind. I think I need to go to the beach. Take some time and sort things out in  my head. Isn’t it funny how helpful the beach is when you need some peace? I don’t know maybe it doesn’t work that way for everyone, but it sure does for me. I’d like to find a nice house with a large front porch that overlooked the beach somewhere. Yea that’s what I want. Well, that and some sexy thing who can’t get enough of me. That would be cool too.

Just sayin’

That being said today was a pretty decent day. I got some things done, I didn’t bother with some other things, and the house was very calm and peaceful. It was nice. I have to be honest though, I can’t wait to move. Nice condo somewhere with all new appliances. Who would’ve thought I would come to the day where new appliances excited me. Wow talk about make me feel old!

Superbowl Sunday is fast approaching. Everyone down here is very excited about the Saints. There is Saints everything down here. Quite seriously I went to the grocery store and they had Saints cookies and Saints cupcakes, Saints pictures taped all over the place, and WHO DAT signs everywhere. Apparently the NFL can’t win this one. I think it’s quite amusing. I am a die-hard Dolphins fan, but for my family’s sake I will be rooting for the Saints on Sunday. Anything else down here would be sacrilege.

Alrighty. Time for me to go to sleep, I have been staying up entirely too late with the TV on, and getting up entirely too early. My internal clock is totally confused. I need to find some sort of balance. (Don’t let me fool you I will probably be watching TV until 4 or 5am)

Goodnight loves.

On that note I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do with the “me time”. It seems last year passed me by entirely. I was going to go to Vegas. I’d still like to go. I was supposed to be taking an Alaskan cruise this year but I am not sure that’s going to pan out anymore. The friend I was supposed to go with has started turning over some new leaves. There may not be time. It’s okay. We can’t stop the world from turning can we?

I have started writing again though, and I figure it’s only fair I toss up a blog just to make it fair to all my lovelies since I rarely if ever share my writing with anyone. I did make a New Year’s resolution that I would get published this year though. So I need to get on the ball and crank some stuff out. You know, Louisa May Alcott actually cranked out dozens upon dozens of books, short stories, and publications? I watched a show about her on PBS (yes, I know, I am a nerd). It made me wonder how much of a writer I really am.

I am not sure how pleased I am to be single anymore. It’s strange because I’ve been content with it since Jeff left. I seem to have adapted to this old fashioned type of outlook on dating. I want to be treated a certain way. I feel like I deserve it. That’s not to say I am still not the intense sexual creature that few can handle.(wink)  It’s not about the sex part of it. It’s about being  treated a certain way the rest of the time. I require a lot of attention, and I think I need someone who requires just as much so that I don’t get accused of being “smothering”. (my GOD I hate that word). By the way, how long does it usually take to fall madly, passionately, deeply in love with someone? Where you think about this person all day and really have no desire to ever think about anyone else? How long does it take? How long before you realize that it has happened? I’m curious. Mind you not “How long does it take to meet the person of your dreams” but rather, after you have met them, how long does it take before you realize that they are, indeed, the person of your dreams?

To be honest I do plan on going back to my daily blog updates but will be moving, and I am hoping before March, so it may not be as seemless as I plan. Things will be hectic. I am still in a lot of pain and packing will (is) wear me down pretty hard. Unless you have this sort of nerve pain you really can’t understand it. There are no words to describe it. Maybe someday I will try anyway. I’ll write some horror novel in a Stephen King-meets-Dean Koontz-sort-of-way.  I never know how to get any closure on those types of stories though…

Alas, I digress, I am totally random on today’s blog but it’s been a while so I figured it was a good idea to touch as many bases as I could before I get thrown out by my own exhaustion. I am tired. Can’t wait for the “me time”.  I might steal some before I am entitled. Call it a mini vacation.

Alright thats enough. I’ve been sitting at this computer more than usual lately. I need to get away from it, at least for the night.

I love you all. I have missed you! <3

I wonder how many of us feel like we have to conform to the person people expect us to be. I notice people tend to expect me to be one of those women with super-human-inner-strength. In fact, few people know me to be anything else. So when I don’t quite conform and I am not as strong as you expected me to be I tend to notice people’s views on me change. But really how can you expect anyone to be strong all of the time? I demand to know. Before you go judging me on my fragility let’s really try to figure out exactly how much one person is supposed to be able to take and then let’s see where I land on that scale before I break. I’m not fake. I don’t pretend to be something I am not. Sometimes  I am not as strong as you think I should be. So sorry. Sometimes I am not as strong as I expect myself to be.

I do tend to go out of my way to surprise people. I don’t like being so predictable. Maybe I am only fooling myself with that. (laugh) I don’t think I am predictable. Maybe I am though. Maybe you know exactly what I am going to type next?? I bet you don’t!

I mailed off all the Christmas packages today! What a horrible horrible time that is. To stand in line at the post office with your little packages with the rest of the idiots who wait until a week before Christmas eve, while the employees take their sweet time. They are being paid by the hour, not the number of people served, so they aren’t in any hurry.

Mom’s birthday tomorrow. Hopefully that should keep me busy enough. I need a nap. It’s 2:30am. I am gonna go nap! (unpredictable? bwahaha)
Happy Holidays!

Do I really try to find the good in people even if it’s not there? Do I really believe that people in general are inherently good? I find this a little hard to believe. Just from the sheer number of things that have happened to me. Most specifically one incident when I was thirteen years old. One of those deep dark secrets you don’t talk about in blogs. So, yeah, I think I will deny this one. Everyone isn’t good. Then I ask myself why I care about everyone so damn much. Why do I go out of my way to try to please people. (Even ones I don’t know) Is there something wrong with me? I keep going over it in my head. I wonder if this is what it feels like to start losing your mind. It doesn’t make sense to me.I have this desire to make people feel comfortable. To make people smile. To make people happy. Yet, I know in my heart that the majority don’t give a flying fuck about me or what happens to me. So is it some sort of self-abuse ? Am I some sort of martyr? I guess I am. How does one “fix” that? Is it something I am supposed to fix? How do I get the focus back on me?

I don’t have the answers. I just want to keep on being who I am and dealing with the consequences. Through my life this is the person I have become to be. (Is that a sentence? Become to be? wtf I think it should read “come to be” but I am going to leave it. I don’t need to be perfect.) I would like to focus more on me in the coming year though. I think it would be a good thing to do. Have a year that’s all about me. Maybe it will help get rid of this stress that I am putting myself under. Self inflicted stress. I wonder if I will make it a whole month. (Laugh) I doubt it. I haven’t even had a whole day that was all about me in quite some time. I guess we will see. Supposed to go on an Alaskan cruise. That will be all about me…. well me and the box of cheese I plan on having with me. Ok I lie. It’s gonna be all about the cheese. But, for me, that’s going to be something for myself too.

God don’t get me started on my whole “finding someone so that it’s all about us” tirade. Sigh.

I’m going to go find something else to do. I love you all.

Sometimes memories can be cruel. We remember things we loved that we don’t have anymore. People we loved that have left us. Mistakes we have made. Things we should have done differently. I think everyone has these. Then, on the flip, there are certain things we wouldn’t change. I wouldn’t have changed much. Sometimes just learning to listen could have changed a path. Sometimes our silences speak louder than anything we ever could have meant to say. Sometimes we put ourselves into a position we aren’t quite prepared for. Sometimes we are handed more than we think we can handle.

I just laughed to myself. I was remembering a Croatian guy I dated. Who told me as he was breaking up with me that he just had “too much furniture right now” in his life. I think what he meant to say was he had too much on his plate, or perhaps there’s a Croatian phrase that is lost in translation. He really liked me, “but…”. There’s always a “but” it seems. My favorite is “I love you but…”. I guess I am feeling rather melancholy right now. We always have choices. We always have the ability to form our futures by what choices we make in our presents. Sometimes we stall too long and our choices are made for us. Maybe the choices we think we have aren’t, in reality, really up to us at all.

I admit I tend to give too much of myself a lot of the time. Family, friends, boyfriends, even total strangers. Tara says I should learn to be more of a bitch. Maybe she’s right. Maybe my honesty is too much. Perhaps I should be more deceptive. Maybe I should use people more. I ask you though, where is the satisfaction in that? There’s a certain amount of satisfaction I get out of giving. There’s a certain amount of pride I have when I see someone I care about succeed because of something I helped them with. Sometimes I just wish people would just look me in the eye and say “Wow, Beth, I love you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

Sometimes I feel like I say the wrong things. I don’t do it on purpose. I never even catch myself saying it. Sometimes I don’t even know what “it” is or was that I said. I do have a tendency to be that girl though. The one who really truly wants to help, but then somehow fucks up something else in the process. I remember when I was in the 6th grade. A girl in our class was sick. Her name was Robin. I don’t remember what it was that she had, but she was very sick. Terminal. We had some sort of fund raiser. I was so excited to try to help with this. It was going to be a grand surprise. One day in class we were talking about doing something on a specific day. Without thinking I blurted out “Isn’t that the day we are doing that thing for Robin?” Well Robin was sitting right there, of course everyone in class all turned to look at me like I had just snapped a kittens neck. That’s the day I realized that I just can’t keep my mouth shut. In the back of my mind, I sometimes still see those kids faces and I remind myself about how I can fuck up even the best of things.

I guess I am still that little girl. I am still trying to learn to bottle it up. Stop just speaking my mind.  Stop trying to control everything that happens. Stop trying to argue with life. Just go with it. Right? I think I will always be that little girl though. I will always be the person who speaks honestly about her feelings. I will always be the person who gives the people she cares about what they need. Emotionally, physically, financially if I can. I really am turning into my mother. Always having to take care of everyone. Make sure everyone is okay. Nobody ever makes sure she is okay. You know, last Christmas she made sure everyone had something in their stockings. Her stocking was empty. I cried myself to sleep Christmas night because of that. I was in a bad place last year. This year I plan on making up for it. Yeah, you know what? I am “that girl”. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to be. We all have our “faults”. Mine will be caring too much about people.

Deal with it.

I love you.

I am a time bomb just waiting to go off. Seriously, sometime soon I am going to go off on some poor unsuspecting person. If it’s you, please let me apologize in advance. I have no excuse other than I am keeping all of this aggravation bottled up and I feel it about to come uncorked. I tried pushing my poor crippled ass to the limit exercising yesterday to try to release some aggression. It didn’t work and now I am just sore and aggravated. Maybe I just need to go out and get fucked.

On another note, wow Christmas is just baring down on me isn’t it? I don’t think I can keep up.  Mom’s birthday next week. My grandmother trying to “make plans” for it. You know who’s going to actually do everything right? I am seriously thinking about getting a hotel room for the weekend. I could probably get one of the casinos to comp me. Then I’d want to play though, and I need to save for holidays and hospital bills.

I want a puppy! Holy crap my blood pressure really wants a dog. LOL! Someone should get me one for Christmas! Yes and a naughty cabana boy. Yes this is my holiday wish list! Someone take note.

Wouldn’t life be easier if everyone was more understanding of each other. Compassionate. It seems like most people are fairly oblivious to everyone else. Does anyone else notice this phenomena? Like it’s almost as if you are invisible to the people around you? (OMG Especially when I am driving!! LOL) Quite honestly I think if we just all take a moment to just smile at people. Acknowledge their existence with something pleasant. I think it would make ourselves happier too. Try it. Maybe something will catch on and people will be just a little less self-focused. Maybe everyone will evolve into happier people. More optimistic. Maybe I am just being ignorant. Maybe it’s too much to ask.

I don’t claim to know much. I do know how to be happy. I do know how to make other people happy. If they let me. Too much to ask for I suppose.

Anyway GOGP was an okay movie I suppose. I don’t mind looking at Matthew McConaughey for an hour. The basic overall message being “don’t run away from your feelings”, which I think is a universal problem with all single people. So yeah it was worth my time. I just wish I could find a movie that makes me “WOW” you know? Something that makes me think about it a day or two later.

So it was about 75o today. Can you imagine? There is a huge winter storm just charging through the country and I am kick back with my windows open and a fan on. I wish it would bear down here. I’d love to be snowed in for a weekend.

I am having a really hard time blogging.  I’m pretty sure I should be in the hospital right now. It’s so annoying because I want to write, but I can’t concentrate on anything.  Maybe later.

So next year I get disability insurance. That should put a dent into my monthly bills. Hopefully. I guess it all remains to be seen. Don’t you DARE tell me that universal healthcare will be better. Don’t even begin to spread your diseased beliefs. Yeah, sorry, it’s something I feel pretty seriously about.

The low pressure rolling in tonight is absolutely wrecking my back tonight. I am sitting here loving the rolling thunder and listening to the storm try to make its way in, but the pain is going to knock me out soon. So yeah, looks like I am going to end up trying to get to the specialist. At the very least he can prescribe me something a little harder than what I am taking now.

I can’t believe it’s December. Just wow. I wish the rain rolling in right now was snow. Instead of the “flash flood warning” rolling on my screen I wish it was a blizzard warning. Sigh.

Wow What an exhausting day I have had. I think I am going to go to bed “early” (it’s 2:30am).

I need to figure out what to get Mom for her birthday. She’s pretty stressed out. Wish I could send her to vegas for the weekend.

I love you all.

I guess everyone gets into those moods. I know I am not the lone ranger in that regard. I have to tell you it’s not a pleasant thing. People don’t want to be smothered by your own self hate and depression. Only your closest friends, the ones who really give a damn about you, are willing to listen, lend a shoulder, or just generally BE THERE for you. At the same time you can’t come out of it with the whole “Well I know who my friends are!!” bullshit either because sometimes your friends are going through their own crap, their own issues,  or are just as depressed or disgusted as you are.

I rarely let life get the better of me. There are times when I just get overwhelmed and give up though. Find myself asking why it is that I can’t find a man that really loves me. Why is it so hard to love me. What is wrong with me. The whole “It’s not you it’s them” thing only goes so far when you are 37 and there have been a lot of “thems” to blame.

You just cannot let yourself be sucked into that shit. You have to shake it off. Sure, maybe in a way it is my fault. I do tend to get involved with the wrong guys. (understatement?) I had a friend tell me today that I let someone use me recently. Well I sorta did. But in the same token I sorta didn’t. I got pleasure out of it. I figure if I get any sort of pleasure out of it then it couldn’t possibly be that I am being used.

About an hour ago I got over it all. I refuse to let myself be unhappy. I will take control of my own happiness. I do not expect anyone else to make me happy. I do not expect happiness to come knocking down my door. I will continue to be the person I am. Well adjusted, grown, beautiful. Someone who knows what she wants and how to make  herself happy. Isn’t that what it is all about? No regrets. None of that “Maybe I should have…” stuff. Take the bull by the horns the horse by the reigns and whatever other cliche goes along with it.

Another thing. I will not be outdone by this pain in my back. I will not let this pain control me. I will not let it rule my life. I think this is going to be the hardest thing of all. Because… wow… it really hurts. I can’t wait to see a specialist.

To recap. Make yourselves happy. Take chances. Make someone smile, you will smile too. Take your life, however it may seem to be, and embrace it. Create your own happiness. Keep the door shut on everything else. It isn’t worth your time and you wont die wishing you hadn’t. If you want something, do whatever it is in your power to get it. The path will be so much more satisfying if you’re making yourself happy along the way.

I love you all.